Thursday, October 03, 2002

You know how you have some experiences that you wish you hadn't had, such as broken relationships? Well, what I've come to realize is that all of those things have some purpose. Through them, God teaches us, and helps us to grow. If you've had a failed relationship, maybe it's to show you what you did wrong so that you can handle things better when it really counts. Heartache ain't easy, but if you leave yourself open to God's voice, he may show you something. Not that it won't still hurt, but something good comes, you know? Anyhow, seeing as I'm babbling and its late, I shall leave you.

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

It's late... I stayed up watching a movie. Cruel Intentions. If you've never seen it, don't. It's really dirty. But seeing as I did just see it, it's in my head, and therefore I shall offer my opinions on it, plot-wise anyhow.
The story, for those not familiar, begins with step-siblings, Sebastian and Cathryn. Sebastian has a reputation for being able to seduce anyone. For her own purposes, Cathryn makes a bet with Sebastian that he can't seduce Anette, who has made a commitment to chastity. Although a terrible premise, this offers some very emotionally-charged and thought-provoking themes. Sebastian accidentally falls in love with Anette while attempting to seduce her. Cathryn exploits this by telling Sebastian that this could ruin his reputation. Because of this, Sebastian destroys his relationship with Anette, even though it is the first real relationship he has had. There are many more subplots and subleties running through this movie to help sway the viewer to Sebastian's side. However, when one attempts to look at the story in it's most raw form, it turns out to be an absolutely horrible tale of loss on everyones part. Anette loses her virginity, Sebastian loses his life, Cathryn loses her reputation as a "good" girl, and there are plenty more casualties to various characters along the way. The ending attempts to get the user cheering for Sebastian and Anette's limited victory over Cathryn, yet the pain you know that all the characters are in at the end makes one pause and realize that there were no heros and villains in this movie. Just a bunch of lost people, trying to fill themselves by playing games with others, but eventually destroying themselves. Cathryn is simply villified because she is the last one who's secrets are let out, and she has no time to gain some semblance of redemption as the other characters did. But even those "redemptions" come about by hitting back, not through forgiveness. What this movie really boils down to is a series of serious problems being solved in the worlds way, and everyone ends up unhappy and hurt. Sucktastic.

Tuesday, October 01, 2002

I know what I believe, but do I believe what I believe? I don't want to control things, yet why can't I give up control? I know what I should do, but do I have the strength to do it? Do I even have the strength to admit I don't have the strength? How now shall I live? What now shall I do? How do I relinquish myself to His power, a power above and beyond anything I can imagine? Why do I still have to take an active part, when I don't know what that part entails? I'm screaming inside, I'm dying here. When will I begin using my heart, and not just my head? When will I allow myself to let things happen, instead of trying to logically control everything? But that question once again questions itself. And hear I sit, still thinking, still being logical, trying to figure things out. I have inside a yearning to let go, and let things take their course, but I'm not sure how. Is that the key? The Question? That I must still try to maintain control, even in giving up that control. Love? Logic? Can one be defined by the other? Must I still try to think everything through, instead of just trusting that natural thing which God gave me, that heart, that soul, that which is not within my control? I guess it’s a trap that I can never escape on my own. I must instead ask Him to take control, and ask for the strength to let Him, because it’s not going to happen if it’s just me. I must accept the gifts He gives me, the gifts which I want more than anything but am not sure how to handle. The gift of Love has been given to me, just as I wanted. But my mind wants to control that love, something over which it has no dominion. I ask for the ability to give Love as well as receive it. I will believe in His strength, and go on from today, new, and strong in Him.